I don’t get no respect!
The other day, I passed by the Dangerfield Comedy club just a few blocks from my Manhattan apartment. Named after Rodney Dangerfield, the popular, stand-up comedian from the1970s, the club has been around for years. His catchy, self-deprecating, catchphrase—"I don't get no respect" —was plastered on the marquis outside. Despite the double negative, which always makes me cringe, I chuckle each time I walk by the club.
Lack of respect! Besides Rodney, what else gets no respect these days? Shall we take a moment to consider this question? No doubt, your list is long but let’s start with something I doubt you’d ever consider: celery. Here’s a healthy, affordable, widely available vegetable that everyone keeps in their refrigerator. Instead of being elevated as a serious player, it is relegated to the role of simple soldier in the kitchen. Most commonly, it as part of the mirepoix brigade along with diced carrots and onions. On occasion, it is served stuffed with pimento cream cheese but only at Thanksgiving. But standing at attention as a solo ingredient? Almost never. This has always bothered me. Chances are this is my own strange obsession, but celery deserves more love.
CELERY GETS NO RESPECT
One of my favorite dishes growing up was my mother’s fried celery. She would boil 4-inch-long pieces of celery until they were barely tender. Then, Mom would dip them in an egg bath, followed by flour. Finally, she would fry them in olive oil until golden brown. My sister and I would hover over the stove waiting for them to finish draining on paper towels—the final step. After a generous sprinkling of salt, we would pop them in our mouths even before they got to the table.
Besides celery, which in my estimation deserves higher culinary praise, what are the other things in our daily lives which deserve more attention and reverence? Please don’t think I am being an old fuddy-duddy here. Most of the responses to my question “What among the things we used to respect would you bring back, if you could?” came from young adults.
IS HAVING A PHONE CONVERSATION OLD SCHOOL?
Sue, the receptionist at my foot doctor’s office, told me she missed her mother’s phone calls. “Really?” I queried. “I thought young people disliked communicating by phone.“ Sue lamented that while texting is short, sweet and efficient, it lacks the warmth and intimacy which she covets whenever she converses with her mother who lives in the Dominican Republic.
Sonali, the 21-year-old physical therapy intern at my sports medicine clinic agrees with Sue. “My friends and I used to rely exclusively on texting. However, recently we’ve reverted to chatting on the phone as it is more satisfying, plus we enjoy the human contact.”
BRING BACK THE THANK-YOU NOTE
My trainer, Jenn, bemoans the fact that people don’t usually acknowledge gifts they receive. “Especially at Christmas time, when you try hard to find the appropriate presents for friends and family and then hear nothing back from them. These days with everyone’s lives being so hectic and busy, I don’t expect an old fashioned, handwritten note. But at least some form of acknowledgement, a text or a quick call would be nice. I had to call my brother to make sure he got the teddy bear I sent my nephew. His reply? A brisk ‘Yes, I got it’ but I had to ask him if my nephew liked it hoping to prompt out of him a simple thank-you. Another quick ‘sure’ but still no expression of gratitude.”
Believe it or not, research has shown that being grateful is good for your health, mood and general well-being. By saying thank-you or even more so by writing a note, it’s one of the easiest things you can do to increase your mental health. Another way of thinking about this is by thanking someone you are actually giving back a gift to the giver.
CURSIVE WRITING, A THING OF THE PAST
What about handwriting? Does anybody give it much regard these days? According to Sue, the receptionist and mother of three, her youngest son, aged six, hasn’t been taught how to write cursive. Why? I asked. Sue explained that it is no longer part of elementary school curriculum as the skill set is not needed with everyone relying exclusively on computers. “But, what about signing your name at least, I asked.” Sue responded with a hint of resignation in her voice, “In no time we’ll be relying on fingerprints, facial recognition, or iris scans to handle that trick.”
Move over penmanship and make room for calligraphy, an art form which has recently enjoyed a resurgence in attention. (We do tend to swing to extremes in America, no?) As technology invades our lives and we lose both the need and skill for handwriting, calligraphy, on the other hand, is literally and figuratively flourishing.
EVERYTHING OLD IS NEW AGAIN
Deborah, a former cookbook editor, has recently taken up calligraphy both as an art form and a business. As she describes calligraphy, it is “an artistic, stylized form of elegant handwriting which is exceedingly time-intensive to produce. It’s been around for a long time, you know. Just remember that our founders signed The Declaration of Independence using ink and quill pens. And even to this day, the Queen of England has a scribe who writes all the new laws on vellum with ink and nib.“
Deborah created place cards and a menu for each guest at my Christmas dinner party this year. I had taken great pains to set an elaborate table using doilies crocheted made by my mother, my Haviland Limoge china and just-polished silverware. I was curious to see how people would respond to the elaborate tablescape. In fact, Deborah’s calligraphy received more attention than the food! Forget the table! What impressed my guests most was the beauty and specialness of Deborah’s exquisite calligraphy. But even more important, its value and level of appreciation was elevated by the fact it was done by hand by a human, not a computer or a robot.
I asked Deborah how her business was coming along. She told me she had recently been hired by a client to create one-of-a-kind Valentine cards for a niece and a nephew. Her client told her "I want these to be keepsakes for them and a demonstration of how special they are and will always be to me."
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MANNERS?
Another thing which seems to get limited respect today, according to Patrick Luongo, my foot doctor, are manners. “It makes me crazy when people don’t thank me when I hold the doors for them.” Pay attention, and you’ll see that sloppy manners are currently the norm.
And what about giving up your seat on a bus or subway to the elderly or expecting mothers? Business coach and playwright, Jane Beale, told me with no hesitation that “I have no qualms about telling a younger person, see this pregnant lady over there? Would you mind giving up your seat?” She agreed that people are not purposely being rude, but rather that they are unaware of their surroundings. As we go about our lives either head-down tapping away on our devises or plugged in with ear buds, we are literally in a state of one: ourselves.
Speaking of manners, Karen Brosius, a former New York executive who used to share her time between Manhattan and South Carolina, weighed in on how much respect is given to manners today. According to her, manners à la Southern style and à la française still matter. “Pleasantries and kindnesses seem to matter to a whole lot of people, actually. New Yorkers are included (perhaps against type), and they certainly matter to the French.”
MANNERS MAY BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN WE PRETEND
“I recall one-of-too-many instances rushing up to a French person and blurting out my most important question of the minute, without taking care to include the niceties of introducing the interaction, such as a simple "une petite question, s'il vous plaît?" I have found by including an innocent, yet caring remark goes even further to add to the day's delights than one might expect.”
“Please-ing and thank-ing do go a long way, even in mega-metropoles,” Karen continued, referring to when she lived in New York City. “I recall jumping into my apartment building elevator one day to find the delightful leasing agent there with customers. I remembered he had told me he had lost his credit card at a restaurant the day before, and he was set to go to Italy with his parents the following day. Panic has ensued. So, I immediately asked the agent if the restaurant had found his card, which they had, and proceeded to ask him about the forthcoming trip. I realized his two customers were standing next to me in the elevator, but I hadn't acknowledged them. I quickly turned to them and said in my best Southern try, ‘Where are my manners?’ They all burst out laughing and we chatted all together all the way to my floor.”
MANNERS: THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS OF HUMAN INTERACTION
In an article in the Philadelphia Inquirer, I read that manners receive more serious attention than we might expect. It is the focus of experts such as Pier Forni, PhD, co-founder of the Civility Project at Johns Hopkins University, which examines the significance of civility, manners, and politeness in contemporary society; and Dr. Berry Brazelton, noted pediatrician, author, and director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center at Boston Children's Hospital. Forni states, "The rules of good manners are the traffic lights of human interaction. They make it so that we don't crash into one another in everyday behavior."
In the article they talk about how our distant ancestors developed behaviors, or manners, to show others respect, fairness and kindness. "You cannot have any kind of community if there are not some rules," Forni said.
While there is much discussion as to how children should learn manners (school vs parents), it is no surprise that children with good manners have a powerful advantage over those who do not. It has been proven that they make friends more easily, get along better with their teachers, and eventually make much better employees and spouses.
DO THE YOUNG VALUE CIVILITY?
Let’s consider the issue of civility through the eyes of teenagers. Teen Trend Report surveyed 500 teenagers to determine if good manners and using proper etiquette were still important or merely remnants of past generations.
Here are some of the results:
91% of teens say that civility, manners and etiquette are either "very important" or "important" in their lives.
70% of teenagers feel society displays more bad manners than good manners.
97% of students learn their manners from home. 43% named school as a positive influence on their manners, in particular, through their involvement in Extracurricular Activities
92% of teens say they feel social media, e.g. Facebook and Twitter, is making us a less civil society
Bad Manners: When asked where they learn "bad manners", the top three ranked answers (they could select multiple choices) were:
1. Media, books, and movies: 69.3%
2. School - classes: 65%
3. Friends: 61.5%
SMILING AND THE POWER OF NICE
Beatrix, my German-American friend from my spin class, reminded me that people don’t smile at one another as much as they used to. “Pay attention and see how many people smile at you on the streets. I know I feel better when someone acknowledges my presences by making eye contact and smiling at me. Don’t you?”
Beatrix told me about a book she had recently read called The Power of Nice. The book by Linda Kaplan Thaler and Robin Koval turns the old saying “Nice Guys Finish Last” on its ear. The premise of this book is that you can be successful in business by playing nice. They claim that “nice” companies have lower employee turnover, lower recruitment costs in addition to higher productivity. They also make the case that by being nice people are healthier, live longer and make more money.
DRESSING UP FOR THE OCASSION
Going to the Metropolitan Opera is something I do on a regular basis. Over the years, I’ve seen a change in decorum at the Met from tuxedos and long formal dresses to business attire and even blue jeans and sports team-logoed sweatshirts. But, I always thought you dressed according to the occasion. And going to the opera is not the same as going to a baseball game after all.
By and large, today people are just more casual these days, observed Jim Carle, my financial advisor from Merrill Lynch. He told me that nowadays he only wears a suit and tie for presentations. “None of my clients dress up so I keep it simple too. No jacket and sometimes no tie either.” As a contrast with our past, Jim reminded me of the days of “Mad Man” back in the 50s when people wore suits, ties AND hats to ball games. He’s right. We’ve become a casual society.
GOING OUT IN PAJAMA BOTTOMS
I mentioned to Jim I had recently read that in China, if you dressed inappropriately, local officials have started shaming individuals by name and image on social media. To be truthful, I did the same thing recently when I posted a photo of a young lady in flannel PJ bottoms and a ski jacket at a UPS office. The only difference, however, is that I did not use facial recognition to give out her name on Instagram as the Chinese civil official would have done.
While you might agree with me that we live in a world of denim, people do like dressing up, particularly young people. Angelina, a senior at Santa Clara university studying business and marketing for the fashion industry, provided an interesting insight. “I personally do still ‘dress’ for things like the opera and even a nice dinner, but I'm known among my friends from high school as the one who's always overdressed. I think it definitely depends on the person, because a lot of my friends here like to dress up too.”
Angelina has discussed the issue of dressing up versus always being casual with her friend Margie. “We both agreed that things like the theatre, for example, are a privilege and we should dress up for them.” Then, Angelina added, “I usually only wear workout clothes to ACTUALLY work out, unlike a lot of young women my age.”
Amy Chu, my spinning instructor who is also a children’s clothing designer, told me normally, she wears leggings for work “But I like to dress up, or put on ‘real people clothes’ as I call them when I go out for brunch or when my husband and I have a date night.”
Angelina, Margie and Amy have figured out that dressing nicely can boost your mood and overall confidence. While leaving the house in a wrinkled top, stretched out jeans and slept on hair can be convenient and comfortable, it will also leave you feeling ‘blah’ all day. In fact, nothing feels better than looking good.
IS IT COOL TO SLOW DOWN?
In our fast-paced life, slowing down can seem down-right dangerous. Yet, more and more people are turning to things such as knitting, yoga, or taking a slow walk in a park as a way to destress. The other day, I spent an hour polishing silver. All my focus was on the slow, repetitive movement of back and forth using a cloth and polish. By the end, I was in a Zen-like state of mind. Not only did I feel relaxed, calm and centered, but I also had an entire service for eight sparkling clean and ready for my Christmas dinner party.
So as we enter this new 2020’s decade, perhaps we should give a look back at a few of those things which get no respect but should. Let’s bring back the simple smile, thank people for being kind and generous, give up our seat to the elderly, occasionally swap out our jeans for real people clothes, and for heaven sake, crunch on a piece of celery from time to time. I recommend you do that slowly, too. Be in the moment with a healthy vegetable and give it the respect it is due for its simplicity, purity and sheer deliciousness. It will make me happy as well to know I am not its only fan.