Words of Wisdom
Over the past year during Covid 19, we’ve all slowed down. By not having to go to work or meet pressing social schedules, we’ve had the luxury of time. Each of us used it in a different way. Without a doubt, we missed not seeing our friends and family. Being restricted from traveling was another emotional hardship. But we’ve also had a chance to assess our lives and think about how we might improve them once lockdown was lifted.
With this extra time on my hands, I’ve become more introspective than before. Gratitude was important to me. Like all of us, I was grateful to be alive. I was grateful that I lived in a city where even under the worst of times early on, I could walk around and see something of interest during on my daily exercise outings. I was also grateful that I had the time to read the New York Times from cover to cover if the mood hit me. And it did. Often.
Last month an article by one of my favorite columnists, David Brooks, stood out. Brooks did a deep dive into the topic of wisdom. In the article Brooks made the distinction between wisdom and knowledge, a frequent confusion. He quoted Montaigne who said: “You can be knowledgeable with another person’s knowledge, but you can’t be wise with another person’s wisdom.”
One of the definitions of wisdom found in the dictionary is:” Wisdom is the soundness of an action or decision with regard to the application of experience, knowledge, and good judgment.” To that Brooks adds “Wisdom has an embodied moral element.” Whether or not you agree with this extension, he furthers his argument that “out of your own moments of suffering comes a compassionate regard for the frailty of others.” He contends that a wise person listens and understands our situation but does not necessarily tell us what to do. The wise person’s role according to Brooks is rather to guide.
That’s pretty heady stuff after my two last posts on caviar. But stay with me. You might be glad you read this one too. Using my favorite format, I queried a wide range of friends for their input and also included words of wisdom from several high-profile individuals encountered via the media. In each of these mini stories you will find examples of wisdom either garnered through self-experience or learned at the hand of someone sage.
To encourage people to participate, I gave this example of words of wisdom and guidance that affected my life in a positive way:
Anger clouds judgment.
One of my running buddies, who happened to be a lawyer, warned me about being too impetuous in business matters. I had recounted earlier an incident where a client had done something which deeply disturbed me. Very proudly, I told him I had responded immediately to this affront by dashing off an angry email. My friend was horrified. He told me the next time something like this happened in business, that I should write the letter but not send it until the following day. He was right. There is nothing like a good night's rest to be able to look at a precarious situation with a cool head and subsequently, sounder judgement.
Let your heart lead the way. The answers are there waiting for you.
Cynthia sin-yi Cheng—lifestyle blogger and host of "a champagne moment" videos @cynetvin—always starts her weekly posts with words of wisdom. “Let's see...this week's dose of bond...I came up with this because I was thinking of how people get so overwhelmed with life and priorities. But if one just focuses on the most important things/people (which leads to the things and people you love) then you will know better how to prioritize your life and also when/who to say ‘no’ to. I just don't give any time/energy to people/things just to please anyone or be diplomatic. So, this is how I live, a very streamlined life led by my heart.”
Never burn a bridge.
Retired wine marketing guru, Lila Gault, shared that “The ‘never burn a bridge’ philosophy is, of course, key to building new business with former colleagues and acquaintances.” But she also contends that its effectiveness is not exclusively work related. “Some of most inspiring moments in my life have occurred by reconnecting with long ago friends who are headed in new directions or needed help in tough times. I definitely got more than I gave!” She added emphatically that “Friends and colleagues from former lives can be helpful forever.”
Family comes first.
While experience inherently comes with age, not all old people are wise. In fact, young people can learn how to become wise as well through their own first-hand experiences. Here is a fine example.
The son of a friend, a recent college graduate, just started a career in finance. As he asked not to be identified we’ll call him Zack. Zack’s girlfriend, Sarah (also a made-up name!) is first generation Korean. Zack explained she had been lovingly raised by her grandmother while her mother worked long hours at a restaurant. “When my girlfriend’s grandmother, whom she adored, was diagnosed with stage four cancer, and died five days later, Sarah realized the true value of family. Now when I complain that I must go to a family member’s birthday party when I really want to spend my time doing something else, she reminds that you can always play golf, but your family members have a ticking time clock on their heads. Enjoy them when you can.”
Focus on the big picture.
When I first encountered this individual who gave me the following piece of wisdom, we were in our building’s elevator. I noticed her magenta blouse and white collar and casually commented, “You must be an Episcopal priest,” being rather proud of my acute skill of observation. We locked eyes and she quietly responded almost sotto voce, “No, a bishop.” Whoops. Over the ensuing months of being stuck at home during the pandemic, Gerry Wolf (also known as Bishop Wolf) and I became members of a small, friendly pod. Gerry was kind enough to share this story.
“I took a gymnastics class in college and frequently lost my balance on the balance beam. I was looking at my feet, but the instructor told me to find a spot on the wall and to focus on it. Walking across the beam became easier. Many times, when I focus on the situation at hand I lose my equilibrium. It’s all too much. When I look toward the future, I have a better perspective and I discover stability and hope in the present.”
You are not responsible for other people’s happiness.
David Kennerley, a Generation X copy writer, told me about how he was caught in an awkward situation until rescued by the words of wisdom from a friend. Here’s his story. “Several years ago, my longtime friend Alex invited me to his 40th birthday celebration held in his home in Upstate New York. I was game to rent a car, drive four hours from NYC, attend the party, and stay in a hotel. But then he told me the date – a week before his actual birthday – which fell on one of the weekends I had rented a beach cottage. For many days, and a few semi-sleepless nights, I agonized over what to do. Surely, I thought, Alex would be hurt, maybe even furious, and his birthday party would be tarnished.
“Luckily, another friend, Jacob, offered advice I'll never forget: ‘You are not responsible for other people's happiness.’ My reaction was, ‘I'm not? Yeah, actually, I'm not!’ So I picked up the phone (no texting for this one), called Alex, and expressed my regrets, explaining that I had previous plans I simply could not change. While I can't say he was thrilled, he seemed to understand. I enjoyed my vacation, and his party was a huge success too. “
Do not ignore an opportunity which is staring you right in the face.
In bed the other morning as I was starting my day, I listened to a CNN radio interview with Linda Thomas-Greenfield, our new US Representative to the United Nations. The interviewer pointed out her amazing career trajectory starting off from being raised in a small, segregated town in Louisiana to becoming UN Ambassador for our country. As Thomas-Greenfield discussed the various stages of her education she recapitulated by saying, “Do not ignore the opportunity which is staring you right in the face because you are looking to do something else.” She was referring to not going to law school as she had planned after her undergraduate studies. Why not? Because she was given a unique opportunity to take her master’s in public administration instead. Switching gears, Thomas-Greenfield went on have a 30-year career in the foreign service. Before becoming our Ambassador, she was Director General of the Foreign Service leading a team in charge of the State Department’s 70,000-strong workforce. Not bad for someone who decided to forgo a law degree!
Stop saying “I’m sorry.”
Interior decorator Alexis Parent told me her favorite piece of wisdom, which was offered by her father, was to stop apologizing all the time. He explained to her, saying "I'm sorry," especially when you're not at fault, can show weakness and insincerity.”
In fact, saying “I’m sorry” is a pervasive problem for women. We tend to use this expression almost as an automatic response to just about everything, from “It’s raining outside” to “The client isn’t happy.” While the expression is meant to communicate concern, empathy, and understanding, it can have the opposite effect. It can come across as lacking self-confidence and, if used too often, as being disingenuous.
In those situations where something has gone amiss, but where you are in no way responsible, Alexis’ father suggested that it is preferable to offer a solution to the problem. For example, “Do you want to borrow my umbrella?” or “I have an idea on how to solve the client problem.”
Try, try, try again even at the risk of failure.
American-born Michael Fabiano, one of the finest operatic tenors in the world today, was recently interviewed on a Metropolitan Opera Zoom presentation. The topic was the Met’s National Council Auditions, an annual competition designed to discover promising young opera singers and assist in their career development. Fabiano was one of the winners in 2007, a prize which helped launch his career at age 22. Fabiano had these words of wisdom for future competitors: “You have to live and breathe your career, You must try, try and try again and get out there, even at the risk of failure.” He recounted how at his debut at La Scala in Milan, Italy he tripped and fell on stage. The reaction of the audience? In true Italian style—they take their opera seriously—they booed him. Despite this horrifying response, Fabiano picked himself up and proceeded to sing his part with confidence, passion, and in perfect pitch. “So, don’t be afraid to jump in the fire. Just try not to get burned!”
These stories are all sound examples of words of wisdom which helped improve a situation. However, there are times when wisdom is offered but rejected by the intended recipient.
I think so, too.
Retired food scientist Diane McComber knows that sharing her years of experience with her daughter rarely works. No surprise here. How often did we reject advice our parents offloaded on us when we were young? And, then we promptly ended up making mistakes we could have avoided had we listened to them.
“My daughter and son-in-law told us about a home they just bought. We might have otherwise advised against it. But I had my plan. One of my friends who is incredibly careful about what she says to her daughters suggests saying ‘I think so, too.’ I have only tried to share my advanced wisdom, which does not work. But then I remember that I did not want my parents to tell my husband and me what to do either. I get it. I think this gentle approach works with others too, not just with your children......though how to square that with being honest?”
You may be right.
To conclude this discussion on words of wisdom, here is one I’ve already added to my repertoire of things to remember. It is a brilliant way to extricate yourself from an awkward situation. Bishop Wolf taught me this one: “Whenever I was in a position of authority, I discovered that I was a dartboard for malcontents. Many times, holding a conversation was useless. Being defensive was worse. A friend of mine told me that when the journalist and commentator, HL Mencken, received nasty letters he would reply, ‘You may be right.’ I tried this on several occasions, and it defused the situation.”
Just give it a try. Responding with “You may be right” is the ultimate statement of compromise but without a trace of dishonesty. Let me know if it works.