The Art of Listening
Years ago, while walking with Barry Kavanagh, an Australian perfume industry executive and longtime friend, he turned to me and almost shouted in my face, “Stop interrupting me!” Naturally, I was taken aback. But, Barry was correct. I had continuously interjected comments in the middle of what he was saying including finishing his sentences for him. After a meek apology I went home and thought about what had happened. In fact, the regrettable habit of talking over people has been with me for a long time. At first, I thought it was an issue of a runaway brain anxiously preparing what I wanted to express during the conversation. Then, I realized that was a feeble excuse. My real problem? Simply put, I wasn’t listening. Furthermore, I was being rude.
What I would like to tackle today is how we learn to listen as children and then, how we perfect this skill as adults. The reality is that people give far more attention to being a good verbal communicator than a good listener. This is ironic considering that we spend far more time listening than speaking. Given people want to be heard and understood when they do speak, it should come as no surprise that knowing how to effectively listen comes with some inherent rewards. Not only does it provide endless information for us to use in our personal and professional lives, but it also has the capacity to improve relationships, engender trust, and even resolve problems. So listen up, my friends. Get ready to master the art of listening.
Let’s take it from the top. Former food editor, Jan Hazard, explained that she started the process of teaching her two children how to listen by reading chapter books to them. (Chapter books are longer books— 200 plus pages that take time to read—versus children’s books that are completed in one reading. For example, The Wizard of Oz, Secret Garden, Black Beauty.) “We started when they were infants and then stopped when they could read on their own.” Not only was Jan developing their ability to actively listen but also to concentrate and remember details given the length of the books.
Karen, a friend from New Jersey, shared how she went about the process of teaching her triplets—a girl and two boys—how to use their ears. But, she started with a disclaimer. “All normal rules for raising children go out the window when you have triplets.” Given each child had a different personality, Karen explained that she needed to find three different approaches. She found that while the children loved being read to, she couldn’t do it with all three at the same time. Each child demanded his/her own “reader”. To make it work, she and her husband switched off children making sure there was something interesting to occupy the third child awaiting his/her own turn.
Karen also discovered she could exploit the skill of listening as a bribe for good behavior. Whenever the kids obeyed the rules, they were rewarded with an hour of listening to their favorite television show or record album. All three kids were rabid fans of Big Jeff, a local hero, who as Karen described him, was the “Elvis Presley of New Jersey preschoolers.” The triplets never tired of listening to his songs over and over again even if it risked temporarily upending their parents’ sanity.
Another trick Karen discovered was to get down to their level to make direct eye contact with them. At that point, the triplets had no other option but listen to their mother.
“In all truth, it was harder to teach my husband to listen than my kids,” Karen stated with a sigh of stoic resignation and a chuckle. “For him, I need to find a moment when there is no competition for his attention. I also find the quiet treatment works like a charm.”
Linda Gist, former news broadcaster and media expert, spent the last part of her career teaching on-air talent how to interact with guests. One of the most important skills her sessions taught was active listening. While Linda is quick to point out the differences between normal conversational listening and performing before a camera and sometimes an audience as well, there are some helpful takeaways.
Here is how she responded to a series of questions about listening:
How important is eye contact?
Eye contact is very important. I used to tell interviewers to imagine three people standing around talking — the interviewer, the interviewee, and the viewer at home (the camera). Your main focus is on the interviewee, but you regularly check in on or glance at the other person there to make sure he/she is still in the conversation, and understands what’s going on. It’s visually including the viewer in the conversation. If you’re the guest being interviewed, ignore the camera and focus on the person to whom you’re talking. Just like in real life. And in today’s zoom calls, we’re all looking at the camera in our attempt at “eye contact.”
What is a polite way to interject something?
There are some physical ways to indicate you have something to say now. You can lean in, look quizzical, almost open your mouth. The speaker will likely pause when it appears you don’t understand. At a meeting, even on Zoom, I would just raise my arm and hand a little bit — usually to ask a question or to clarify. If there’s the slightest pause, I would again use the slightly raised arm or hand and jump in with — “Excuse me, but are you saying that ....” or “Sorry, but isn’t that the same as ...”
What is the best way to indicate you’ve understood what the person has said?
I’m a fan of re-stating. Summarizing in a short sentence what you understand the previous answer to be. Then the guest can confirm or deny your summary and expand his/her point.
How do you keep an objective mindset when listening to others?
I don’t think there’s any such thing as an “objective mind set.” We all come into any conversation with our own biases, prejudices, experiences, etc. I hope journalists strive for fairness. And I would urge interviewers to try to be sincerely curious about this person’s opinion or theory or point of view. Even if you totally disagree with the interviewee, it’s your responsibility to try to understand his/her point of view and why.
Any kiss-of-death mistakes to avoid making on-air? (Such as looking at your watch?)
Looking at your watch is a “no-no.” Don’t ask yes/no questions. Where and when questions should get information. How and why questions should elicit a little more insight. My pet peeves are questions that are so long I can’t even remember what the question is; or the interviewer states a fact or opinion or situation, stops and expects the interviewee to react. I’m old-school enough that I want a question mark at the end of the question.
Any other general tips for being a good listener that applied to on-air and normal conversational listening?
To oversimplify again— being a good listener is really just good manners. Pay attention to the person you’re talking to and stop trying to think of good lines or good stories that you can share to make yourself sound smarter or funnier or whatever.
Linda shared a few other tricks of the trade during on-air interviews.
Except for news interviews — most television interviews — talk shows, game shows, late night and morning shows, etc. — are produced. Someone (a producer?) has pre-interviewed the guest, knows what the good stories are. The interviewer has been briefed, has a list of questions to elicit the right stories. Listening is still important. To make sure all the good details come out, to get the guest back on track if he/she goes off on a tangent or freezes up. You can tell when an interviewer is phoning it in, just going down the list of questions someone handed her. It is respectful to pay attention to the person who is speaking. Just good manners again.
To build on Linda’s invaluable media training recommendations, here are a few more general tips from other experts on how to improve your listening skills:
Be fully in the moment: All of us have encountered people who are not listening because they are distracted by something else (a phone call they need to make, a screaming child, or the pinging of a text message). Don’t let this happen to you. Avoid being pulled off track by actively concentrating on what the other person is saying.
Pay attention to non-verbal cues: A great deal of information outside of what is being said can be detected by observing the speaker’s body language, tone of voice and cadence of speaking. These signs can indicate enthusiasm, frustration, or boredom along many other emotions. Non-verbal indicators additionally help establish context for what the other person is saying. Remember, words are only part of the message.
Put yourself in their shoes: Try imaging yourself in the speaker’s situation to better understand what the individual is experiencing. If the person is expressing happiness, sadness, fear, or anxiety, reflect these emotions through your facial expressions and verbal responses. It says you really hear and understand what is being said. Doing so engenders empathy and trust, both rewards for being a good listener.
Avoid interrupting and imposing your point of view: This is probably the hardest thing to master. (Note to self, Marsha!) Don’t fall into the trap we see today on so many talk and reality TV shows where loud, in-your-face talking over someone else is encouraged. When you interrupt someone, you are really communicating that you are more important than they are and that you don’t really care what they are saying. However, if you do want to share your thoughts, and why shouldn’t you, wait for a pause and then say, “Would you like to hear my thoughts on the subject?”
No doubt, you have your own techniques for being an attentive listener either gleaned from observing others or merely by personal trial by fire. At the end of the day, actively listening is really about concentration, effectively processing information, and good manners, as Linda Gist pointed out earlier.
Linda summed up the topic with insight and wisdom: “If I had to give a one line summary of being a good listener— it’s not about you. It’s about your guest or whomever you’re talking to at a party or in a meeting. I used to tell show hosts “if the guest looks good — gets a laugh, appears smart or insightful, has a great story— then that segment is interesting to the viewer and you look good.”
Who could quarrel with this analysis?