Men in the Kitchen Redux
Father’s Day is around the corner. Even though my father has been gone for a long time, this is always a bittersweet time of year for me remembering my youth with him as my guide. With that in mind, I decided to add a brief recollection of my dad’s limiting prowess as a home cook to a previous post on “Men in the Kitchen.” Also, in his honor and giving a nod to the upcoming Father’s Day celebration, I included a great shot (alas not in the kitchen!) of my father taken right before he left the navy. For those of you who know me, you’ll see the family resemblance.
The first man I recall in the kitchen was my father, Anthony. He was a former navy man who spent the rest of his life as an aeronautical engineer. He was a first-generation Italian from a typical family where his mother, Maria, did all the cooking. She was an exceptional cook and our entire family benefited from her talent. Like other women of her generation, Maria lived by the creed, women had babies and took care of the home—which meant all the cooking—while men brought home the bacon, so to speak. My parent followed that same rule.
Steak and Kool-Aid
While my father seldom ventured into the kitchen, he periodically would play hooky from church by saying to my mother, “I’ll cook lunch today for you and the girls.” We never minded this rare treat as it was always deliciously predicable: a marinated steak broiled in the oven, crisp and salty homemade French fries and lime green Kool-Aid. I still think of my father’s one-and-only meal whenever I venture out to a steakhouse and like a hungry dog instinctively start to salivate.
Mama’s little helper
My late husband Ed loved spending time in the kitchen. He was the middle child of six. When his older siblings would go out to play, he would hang back and help his mother Elsie cook. Ed—who adored his gregarious, first generation German American mother—fashioned himself as her tiny sous-chef. By extension, Ed jokingly used to say he was her favorite child since they spent so much time together. Elsie would say, “Hand me flour, Eddie. Put a pinch of salt in the soup, Eddie. Break two eggs into that kuchen batter, Eddie.” I can only imagine his puffed-up little chest when his older brothers would devour their dinner knowing that he had a hand in making it.
Men in the kitchen were not the norm when Ed and I married in the late 90’s. Grilling was acceptable, but that was it. It’s a different picture now, particularly among Millennials. Today Americans are living in a world of duel income families. With women no longer being the primary caretaker of the home, couples end up being more collaborative with household chores. That includes cooking as well as grocery shopping.
Men in aprons
The Washington Post ran an intriguing article several years ago about the surge in men’s cooking. According to it, “A higher proportion of American men—43 percent—are cooking these days than at any point in the past 30 years, or 49 minutes a day.” In contrast, there has been a decline among women who went from 88 percent 40 years ago to 70 percent spending normally 71 minutes a day cooking.
Not only are men putting up with the heat in the kitchen, but their attitude towards meal preparation has also begun to shift. Stereotypical gender roles are no longer fixed in the minds of today’s young men. Subsequently, it seems less shocking to hear about men cooking and some even thoroughly enjoying the activity. In fact, the kitchen has become a sort of man-cave for many male home cooks but especially with the younger generation.
The differences of the sexes
While there is nothing “Sissie” these days about men behind the stove, are there any distinctive difference in how the sexes approach the task, I wondered? Articles abound saying that women view cooking as a necessity for feeding their family. Conversely, we are told that men perceive it as a vehicle to express their natural inclination for the hunt, the kill, the competition, as if it were a sporting activity. At least, in the case of younger men these days.
How else would you explain why so many Millennial males tune into the wildly popular, testosterone-driven cooking shows such as Chopped, Iron Chef, Top Chef, Hell’s Kitchen, and Anthony Bourdain’s Parts Unknown? Young men thrive on these shows where expletive-spewing male chefs show off their beards, bad-ass sleeve tattoos and cooking talent.
Eschewing cookbooks for an iPhone
Unlike Ed, who drew his inspiration from his mother, younger men today look to the Internet and social media. They eschew traditional cookbooks in favor of recipes gathered via YouTube videos and their iPhones. Then, they proudly post their culinary creations (or touchdowns!) on Instagram or Pinterest.
These changing attitudes among men of all generations intrigued me. To better understand what was going on between the cooking sexes, I asked a group of my male pals who consider themselves serious home cooks. All the respondents here fall within the categories of Baby Boomer and Gen X. As such, you will see a vastly different approach to their being in the kitchen from their younger counterparts, meaning cooking for these men is not a football game replacement! It is more of a personal passion.
Understanding men who cook
With that clarification made, how did these men find their way into the kitchen? What was their inspiration? And what differences, if any, are there between how they perform a culinary task versus how a woman would?
As their answers were so diverse, compelling, and entertaining, I would like to dedicate the next two posts to them. Each of these men share the same passion as I do for putting food on the table for those they love. Here, in their own words, with minimal editing, is what they had to say on the topic of men in the kitchen:
Dr. Michael Apstein: A gastroenterologist at Boston’s Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center and an Assistant Professor of Medicine at Harvard Medical School. Michael is also a columnist/wine reviewer for WineReviewOnLine.com who has written over 300 wine columns for a variety of US and UK publications, including Decanter. His wife, Dee McMeeken, is a retired lawyer and now a photographer specializing in animals (DeeIsForDogs.com).
1. When did you start taking an interest in cooking?
I started cooking my senior year in college when my best friend and I managed to get an apartment off-campus. It continued during medical school as a distraction and really picked up after I moved to Boston to continue medical training. Julia Child gave periodic demonstrations at Radcliffe that were open to the public—a food culture was starting in the mid 1970s.
2. What is your favorite thing(s) to cook?
My favorite thing to cook are stocks and sauces—stocks because you make something wonderful from the bits you would otherwise throw away—and sauces because they embellish everything you eat. Though my favorite thing to eat is duck—roasted or magret—and I cook both regularly. I think our girls ate more duck breast than chicken breast while growing up.
3. Do you share cooking responsibilities with your spouse?
Dee and I share responsibilities: I cook, and she eats.
4. Is cooking a hobby for you? What motivates you to cook?
Cooking is one my great pleasures—it’s a creative outlet for an otherwise uncreative person. I also cook because I love to eat. That perhaps explains my medical specialty—gastroenterology. When patients say their stomachs hurt or something or another causes pain when they eat, that’s my definition of an emergency.
Stephanie (my 32-year-old daughter) recently said something to me that emphasized the importance of cooking and food. I had given her my recipe for meat sauce, (a modification of Marcella Hazan’s) which we had hundreds of times while our daughters were growing up. She made it and both she and her sister, Marissa, remarked that it tasted like home!
5. In your opinion, what differentiates the way men cook versus the way women cook?
I’ve never thought about the difference, if there is one, between how men and women cook. I’d be interested to know what other people think.
Tony Di Dio: wine expert, author, and unofficial mayor of Brooklyn.
1. When did you start taking an interest in cooking?
I started cooking in high school, learning from my Mom who was a terrific and innovative cook. She began cooking for her family, at age 15, as my grandmother was ill. She taught Mom all her Sicilian specialties.
2. What is your favorite thing(s) to cook?
I like all dishes, and have just rediscovered meatloaf….I love cooking different pastas and salad.
3. Do you share cooking responsibilities with your spouse?
We only share eating responsibilities, no joint collaborations….two different styles, as his food tastes better!!
4. Is cooking a hobby for you? What motivates you to cook?
Hunger is my motivation and yes, a hobby indeed.
5. In your opinion, what differentiates the way men cook versus the way women cook?
For the sake of not sounding sexist, I think most men tend to experiment more, as women have a vision for each dish they create….as you can see, experimentation and visions work well together…..politic enough?
Roger Chen, graphic designer from Shanghai who now resides in Brooklyn and is married to Tony Di Dio.
1. When did you start taking an interest in cooking?
My interest started around the age of seven, although I didn't actually cook my first meal until I was nine, hand-made noodles which brought tears to my mother's eyes.
2. What is your favorite thing(s) to cook?
Anything that brings comfort and joy. In my case, that means loads of carbs: noodles, pasta, Chinese dumplings, etc.
3. Do you share cooking responsibilities with your spouse?
Yes. We try to bring in different angles/ approaches to our daily cooking.
4. Is cooking a hobby for you? What motivates you to cook?
Not really. Although I enjoy cooking, especially for friends and family, sometimes the process of cooking relaxes me. It is therapeutic.
5. In your opinion, what differentiates the way men cook versus the way women cook?
I personally have not witnessed any differences between male and female when it comes to cooking. Traditionally, you might have seen that difference. But nowadays, with everybody using recipe books as guides, such gender- based difference is hardly noticeable, in my opinion.
John Frazee, a leadership coach and former CBS television broadcast senior executive. His wife, Gloria Maroti Frazee, is a wine educator and video producer, formerly with Wine Spectator.
1. When did you start taking an interest in cooking?
My maternal grandmother’s family was German-American. There were multitudes of cookies at Christmas and I love cinnamon waffles—Zimftwaffeln--a crisp cinnamon cookie browned in a heated iron. I’m sure there was a lot of joking and some drinking as the stiff dough of eggs, flour, cinnamon, sugar, and butter was passed around and worked by hand, years before powerful mixers. My niece and nephew both have electric versions of the German waffle irons to keep this tradition alive.
2. What is your favorite thing(s) to cook
I prefer to cook recipes that teach me something as I go through the process of buying, prepping, and finishing. I imagine reactions to a dish, hoping guests will be surprised by combinations of flavors or textures or tastes. I tune, improvise, tweak, and taste food as the meal comes together.
My cooking is iterative: It took more than ten years on-and-off to produce a pizza dough that I thought was good—as good as one I’d enjoy eating in an Italian restaurant-- before I succeeded.
I decided my pizza problem was my indoor oven--and my grill when I tried those stupid grilled pizzas--they weren’t hot enough. I watched video instructions to build an outdoor pizza oven, but the ton of firebricks and mortar and cinderblocks seemed to carry the risk of becoming John’s Folly.
Then Gloria received a Kickstarter ad for a small factory-made propane pizza oven (called Uuni).
A couple weeks later I shot my infrared thermometer into the mouth of the Uuni and escaped that pizza wormhole. Nine-hundred-degrees Fahrenheit definitely makes a difference.
Success in the pizza process affected my fish cooking: I can now cook a delicious, herb-stuffed whole fish that looks like it’s waiting to be eaten on a Greek beach.
3. Do you share cooking responsibilities with your spouse?
We almost always share the cooking and are fortunate to have great produce and fish here in East Hampton. Mostly Gloria has the lead on vegetables, and I cook the protein. She bakes more than I, but I make a particularly good short crust. Gloria creates a fantastic tomato tart in the late summer that I am yearning for now: ultra-ripe tomatoes with chevre, olive oil, and herbs on a flaky crust.
Year-round we use local clams to make fantastic stews with littlenecks or cherrystones, diced hot Spanish chorizo, lots of onions sweated with the chorizo fat in olive oil, white wine, and the jus that steams out of the clams. Paired with toasted bread and crisp white wine. Delicious.
4. Is cooking a hobby for you? What motivates you to cook?
Cooking is one of my avocations. I let myself be absorbed in the process, which is very appealing given our social isolation in this moment. There is always some culinary skill that is outside my reach, so I have the opportunity of discovery and achievement. Cooking appeals to the Mister Wizard in me, the tinkerer, the inventor, the artist.
The way we take up our cooking roles reflects our families and the cultures in which we grew up. Cooking and eating together were important in my family and fortunately our grandparents and great-grandmother were part of those lunches and dinners. The preparation of meals and eating together were rituals around which stories and our family identity were passed to my brother and me.
5. In your opinion, what differentiates the way men cook versus the way women cook?
In adulthood, I’ve cooked with Gloria more than anyone else. I don’t know whether our ways of cooking apply to others, but here are some observations specific to us:
I’m more apt to spend an entire day cooking. Gloria will do three different activities. Gloria is more likely to repeat a recipe and evolve it. I’m more likely to move on to something different. Gloria is more likely to make dessert than I am. If I make a dessert, it’s something such as Canelé or the San Sebastian bar La Viña’s burnt cheesecake. In the summer I sometimes make ice cream. Gloria yearns for berries.
Gloria is more likely to make the vegetables than I unless they involve grilling or the outdoor oven. Then she will do the prep and I’ll finish. I am more likely to fry something. I have trouble imagining Gloria frying anything.
Gloria accuses me of being a slash and burn cook—meaning I use every pot and don’t clean anything until the meal is finished. Gloria cleans as she goes.
Gloria picks the wine and asks me what I think. I never pick the wine.