Picking the perfect hostess gift

Everyone has been in the giving and/or receiving end of a hostess gift, sometimes happily, sometimes less so. Most of us would never imagine arriving empty handed to a dinner party or a weekend at the shore. But sometimes the choice of the best gift for the situation can be tricky. Afterall, you want the gift to express your gratitude for the invitation. And if you hope to be invited back, making a positive impression with a thoughtful gift which transcends the predicable is crucial.

The topic is top of mind as next month I am invited for a three-day stay at a country home friends have rented for their vacation. I enlisted several people-in-the-know to help inspire my gift choice and refresh my memory of the subtle etiquette involved. Here is the advice of two individuals whose opinions I respect. Later, I will add a few of my own thoughts on the protocol of both giving and receiving a hostess gift.

Our first guest contributor is Willson Powell, a longtime friend, and former publicist, interior decorator, and real estate broker.  Willson is a southern gentleman, through and through, having been raised in Columbia, South Carolina. His mother must have been “Miss Manners” as Willson always knows how to maneuver any social situation—from a Duke to a New York doorman—with ease, grace and a heavy dose of sassy southern humor. Here are his “Do’s”and “Don’ts.”  Typical of Willson’s wicked wit, he added a “Worse Case Scenario” to entertain us.

Willson Powell

Do’s

·         You can’t beat a case of good champagne as a hostess gif, especially as a weekend guest. You will probably get to drink some!!

·         I love to give giant coffee table picture books from Rizzoli— like one on Tuscany—the kind of books you love but may not buy for yourself.

·         A big food basket from Zabar’s with dozens of things in it. (one of the expensive ones) Yum!

·         A great book you know your host will enjoy reading with a (real-looking) million-dollar bill stuck in it for a bookmark.

Don’ts

·         A bouquet of flowers not already arranged in a vase – your host or hostess has to take time to do that and they may still be fixing dinner and behind!

·         A basket of kittens—CUTE—but, “NO.”

·         An exotic food specialty that you may love, like Taramasalata, (which I love) but others may not!

·         A book autographed to you by the author—that you forgot to look inside before re-gifting. Yikes!

Worst Scenario:

·         Re-gifting something that THEY, your host, gave you!  Double Yikes!!

·         A decorator in NYC, whom I knew briefly, Stephanie Stokes, kept a gift shelf in her office of things given her to re-gift. Sometimes she would order items wholesale (a dozen at a time) to re-stock the re-gift shelf! Anyway, one of her employees told me that Stephanie opened her Christmas gift from her office staff and said, “Oh, thank you so much; that is so sweet,” and then walked over to the re-gift shelf and placed the gift there  --  right in front of her employee!!!! 

The next contributor is my worldly friend, Codie Conigliaro. During her professional life, Codie has been a banker, gardener and a high-end tour guide to unusual parts of Italy.  Think Città Fantasma or “ghost towns.”  Sophisticated, observant, and quirky, she could write an article for Town & Country on gifting with style.

Do’s

·         Play attention to the individual receiving the gift.  There is a definite thought process to take into consideration. Evaluate what the hosts might appreciate most. What type individuals are they?  What do they not know how to do?

·         Food can be good choice but put some thought into it first.  I am going on a short visit where our hostess hates to cook. She has plenty of tomatoes in her garden, so this was my point of departure. I’ve whipped up my favorite recipe for a five-nut pesto from “Sicilian Home Cooking,” a cookbook acquired on a trip to Sicily. Years ago, I visited the agriturismo in Gangivecchio owned by the Tornabene family. Our first course at their restaurant was pasta with a nut pesto.  I was transformed.  (Codie’s adapted recipe is featured in this week’s post.)

Don’ts

·         If you are taking a plant, be sure it is something unique which the host doesn’t already have in his/her garden.

·         Wine is a classic choice, but it can be also appear uninspired. I discovered a unique sparkling Grillo from Sicily. It is even better than a rosé champagne, in my opinion. Unfortunately, my local wine shop can’t get any more due to the supply chain interruption caused by Covid-19.  Nonetheless, my hosts were thrilled to be introduced to something new, obscure, and totally delicious while it lasted.

Here are my thoughts gleaned from years of entertaining and being entertained.

Do’s

·         Be discreet: Keep in mind, not everyone will bring a gift. To avoid making other guests feel awkward, to not make a big fuss about what you’ve brought.  And certainly, do not expect your host to open it up in front of you. It is better to say, “This is a small gift to thank you for inviting me tonight. Please enjoy it later.”

·         Put your name on a card with the gift: How many times have you received multiple gifts but can’t recall who gave you what?  People do appreciate your acknowledging their gift in some manner, via a text, email or quick phone call. However, never send a written “thank-you” note or the thank-you process will never end.

·         Thank your host as quickly as possible: In today’s instant world it is acceptable to send a quick thank you message via email or text. However, research has shown that when people receive a hand-written note, they are actually ecstatic. Taking the time to find a pen, paper, stamp, and a mailbox stands out. Try it.  If you already have the writing materials in-hand, it will only take five minutes to do.  Plus, a walk to the mailbox will do you good. The benefits will astound you.

·         Have flowers delivered before or after the party: Sending flowers in advance can be nice as it gives the hostess a chance to leisurely find a place to put them. But, be sure to select a neutral color so that the bouquet can go anywhere and not mess up your hostess’ carefully thought out color scheme. Much better, in my opinion, would be to send a small but exquisite arrangement from a top florist the following day as a thank-you. This way, your hostess doesn’t need to figure out where to display your flowers. She could even put them in her bathroom, which I often do, as fresh flowers make leisurely bathtub soaks seem even more decadent.

·         Be thoughtful: My trainer was invited on short notice to stay with a friend at her upstate New York weekend house during Covid-19. While there they decided to start weekly tennis lessons. However, as neither of them owned rackets, they needed to go to a local sporting goods shop.  After the rackets were selected, my trainer handed over her credit card to paid for both of them. Not only was the jesture unexpected and thoughful but it was immediately put to good use.  No fear of re-gifting here!

·         Keep a few well-selected gifts stached away for emergencies:  In case you’re invited last minute or can’t make it to the store, be sure to have on hand in your closet several elegantly wrap items of universal appeal. Anything having to do with the art of the table is a safe choice: a handmade ceramic serving bowl; two handblown Champagne glasses; elegant coasters (not the tacky ones!); or porcelain place cards.  Scented candles from Diptyque; decadent Chanel Coco bath soap; Dans mon lit linen spray from Frédéric Malle; or a New York Times Front Page puzzle would also make any hostess happy as well.  My favorite fallback gifts are specialty food items purchased while traveling abroad: flavored olive oil in small tins from Italy; almond flour or saffron from Spain; salted caramels from Normandy; and fleur de sel, the hand-harvested sea salt from Brittany. Several of these dropped in a colorful bag along with a flourish of contrasting tissue paper and you are ready to party.

·         Check with a local: One last piece of advice. If you are gifting in a foreign country, first check with someone local.  My mother once presented a huge fall bouquet of yellow and gold mums to a French hostess who looked at them with horror on her face.  My mother later learned that mums were reserved exclusively for gravestones in France.

Don’ts

·         Don’t expect the hosts to open the bottle of wine you brought: They have already gone through the effort to appropriately select a wine to enhance their menu.  Your bottle of expensive Puligny Montrachet might produce “Ahs” amongst the guests but it certainly will not go well with hosts’ Boeuf Bourguignonne. Instead, hand them the bottle as soon as you arrive and tell them to enjoy it whenever they are in the mood for a nice white Burgundy.

·         Don’t expect people to serve the food you brought either: Again, it upsets your hosts’ careful planning. Just think about it.  If a guest arrives with a homemade chocolate tart and your hosts feels obliged to serve it, it might upstage what he or she made for the evening’s dessert.  However, homemade dishes or things purchased at specialty shops are not totally taboo. However, it is always better to call ahead to let your host know your plans. In fact, your gift of food could be a welcome addition freeing up your hosts to spend their time doing something else.

·         Expensive gifts are inappropriate: With rare occasion, they risk embarrassing your hosts. In fact, some of my favorite hostess gifts were not that costly. Rather their choice demonstrated creativity, a sense of fun, or special attention to something they knew I would cherish. Some of my recent gifts which put a broad smile on my face included a box of special paper for storing cheeses brought by a friend who knew I was a former cheese expert; two boxes of impossible-to-find Tamarind cereal; and the world’s best coffee cake made with lots of deliciousness and friendship. 

Now, you might wonder what I am bringing as a hostess gift for my upcoming weekend.  Willson and Codie were my inspiration. First, I ordered a half case of Domaine Chandon California sparkling wine to be delivered to my friends’ New York apartment before their departure.  However, I emailed them first altering them to be on the lookout for a small gift. I also mentioned that it was for their personal enjoyment inferring that it was not expected for them to schlep it up to Connecticut.

I also asked if I could bring Codie’s five-nut pesto for one of the dinners. In fact, they were both thrilled to have a break from kitchen duty. Naturally, I also checked to make sure neither of them had a nut allergy!

And, now to divulge for my dark gift-giving secret.  I shudder to think that Willson knew this story but I was once guilty of giving a mutual friend an autographed copy of a Greek cookbook.  As our friend is of Greek heritage and loves to cook, I thought the hostess gift was spot-on.  That is, until she opened the cover and read the inscription out loud in front of her family, starting with “To Marsha…..” To say I was mortified, would be an understatement.  But, Willson was right to point it out so that you can avoid ever being similarly humiliated! Even though my friend turned the incident into a joke, it did not lessen how badly I felt.  Now I never ask an author to autograph a book using my name! I like to keep my gift-giving options open.