FAKE VERSUS REAL

Free associate with me for a moment. When I say the word “Fake,” what comes to mind? Are you conjuring up an image of the President with his finger jabbing pointlessly in the air with his lemon-sucking, pout-of-a-mouth saying “Fake News?  Next question.”  Am I right?

Don’t worry.  Politics are not the topic today. Instead, let’s explore the positive aspects of “faking it.”  As such, faking a sexual climax or college entrance exam scores will be excluded from the discussion as they are devious acts.  Instead, shall we look at taking what is real and changing it for some constructive gain? This might involve, for example, improving your personal appearance or doing something which saves time and/or money.  There are so many reasons to alter reality—some more justified than others—as we will soon discover together.

FAKING IT TO GET GOOD SERVICE

Allow me to start the discussion.  Some 35 years ago, while working for a wine importing company, I hired Judith Jamison as a spokesperson for one of our brands, Hennessy Cognac.  Yes. That Judith Jamison: the tall, statuesque African American dance-world icon. At the time, she had just retired as a principal dancer with the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theatre where her performance in the dance “Revelation” made her a legend, at least among modern dance fans.  In her new role as brand ambassador, Judith and I traveled around the country meeting journalists and influencers touting the joys of Hennessy Cognac. That included, of course, promoting the virtues of responsible drinking.

Judith and I boarded a United Airline flight to Chicago on the out-bound leg of our maiden voyage.  Once we found our seats in First Class, Judith pulled a ring out from her purse and surreptitiously put it on her finger.  My eyes bulged in surprise.  Judith’s eyes twinkled mischievously.  She began gesturing dramatically while seeming to discuss our schedule in Chicago. Waving her hand around, Judith blinded the passengers near us with the brilliance of her five-carat Marquise cut diamond. Whereas when we first sat down, the flight attendants ignored us completely.  Now, catching the reflection of light coming from the stone, United Airlines could not do enough for us, especially Judith.

When we landed, Judith leaned over and whispered in my ear: “It’s just a Zirconia.  Cost less than 50 bucks.” We giggled and solidified our friendship. Such is the power of apparent wealth which Judith was willing to fake to get good service.  Later in life, when she became Artistic Director of Alvin Ailey and the world knew her name, the fake diamond ring gambit was no longer needed. By then, everyone bowed to Judith’s artistic greatness.

ARE THOSE FLOWERS REAL?

Often things are not as they appear.  Wine writer Marguerite Thomas told me about a friend of hers who tricked others with her fake flowers. “I used to have a friend in Connecticut—who would now be probably around 108 years old were she still alive— from a very illustrious and well-known family who always mingled fake and real flowers in bouquet arrangements. She was so good at it that I never dared even attempt to try my hand at the deception.”

Retired clinical social worker, Candice Jones, has been pulling the wool over people’s eyes for years now with the same ploy. “Have you noticed that orchids actually look sort of ‘unreal’ even when they are real?  So, I have a beautiful fake white orchid on my kitchen counter...EVERYONE thinks they are real, some people even touch the leaves and still think it is real.”

TRICKS TO IMPROVE ON MOTHER NATURE

Today, both men and women partake in faking (or should the word be “enhancing?”) their personal appearance.  And, why not if it makes them feel better about themselves? Both sexes color their hair, have facials as well as manicures and pedicures.  Men and women also resort to Botox for a “lift.” Though less popular with men, we women turn to implants to improve our body image and boost self-esteem. Chin, cheeks, butt or boobs, cosmetic surgeons can do wonders with changing what God gave us.    

But you need not go under the knife every time.  Today, particularly for breast implants, women have choice. Just pick up a pair of “chicken cutlets.”  No, not the type you bread and fry.  But rather the inserts which are advertised as “A must-try trick for instant oomph in the cleavage department.” A safe fake, so to speak. 

Short men use shoe lifts to appear taller.  Women wear platform shoes to achieve the same result. Women with thinning hair wear wigs (men, too!) or get hair extensions. Sometimes people will even wear eyeglasses with no prescription just because they like the way they look in them.

BUYING STATUS FOR LESS

As New York videographer Jodi Daley pointed out, think about all those fake designer bags from Canal Street in Chinatown.  She mentioned she had just read that Rolexes are making a huge comeback. Apparently, there is a growing demand for $1,000 knock offs, too. Jodi then ticked off other sought-after items such as designer sunglasses, Cartier’s love bracelets, Louis Vuitton’s Neverfull tote bags, and Bulgari B Zero rings.  Interested? Check on-line. You’ll find a whole range of “reliable” sources for fakes.

Sometimes faking backfires and you get caught red-handed. (A few examples of negative motives keep the story balanced, no?)  Years ago, West Coast publicist extraordinare, Dick Taylor, went on a vacation to Italy with several friends.  While in Florence, they went shopping for fake Louis Vuitton leather goods.  Dick purchased a stylish briefcase while one of his travel mates treated herself to a large piece of luggage. 

WHO WANTS TO DO THE HONORS?

When Dick went through U.S. Customs at LAX upon his return, the inspector wryly asked him, “Do you want to do the honors or shall I?” Dick started to hyperventilate when he noticed the inspector had pulled a box cutter out of his pocket and was moving his hand ominously toward the new briefcase.  “Sir,” the inspector continued saying officiously, “With the price you declared for this item, clearly it’s a knockoff and completely illegal.  We respect trademarks in this country.” With that, Dick held his breath as he watched the agent make a large X gash in the middle of his Louis Vuitton briefcase.  When he finally met up with his friends and reported his sad story, he learned that his pal had walked through customs without any issue.  Of course, she never declared her new suitcase either.

The moral of that story is buyer beware. You’re asking from trouble when you bring knockoffs into the country as custom agents are looking for fakes, particularly of well-known luxury brand items.  One could also debate the legal, social, and economic impact of supporting counterfeited products. But, now is not the moment to lecture anyone.

A RESIDENTIAL RUSE

Jodi also reminded me of people who put less expensive wine in fancy carafes to pass it off as something else.  Just like President Richard Nixon used to do.  Have you ever heard the expression, “Pulling a Nixon?”  It goes back to Nixon’s presidency when he would often have his glass filled with a fine French wine from a good year, 1957 Château Lafite Rothschild being his favorite. He would instruct the White House waiters to put a towel around the bottle whenever they poured him a glass. His guests, on the other hand, were offered a decent wine but far less expensive choice than “Tricky Dick’s.” In other words, he was keeping the good stuff hidden away for himself.

Some people even make a business out of selling fake wine.  While we are dipping our toes again into the negative side of faking, this story is too good to miss. My friend Peter Hellman even wrote a book about it, called In Vino Duplicitas: The Rise and Fall of a Wine Forger.  Pick it up and learn all about wine fraudster Rudy Kurniawan and one of the biggest wine fraud investigations ever in history. 

What did Rudy do which sent him to jail in the U.S. for ten years? Over the phone the other day Peter described Rudy’s scam. He said that Rudy initially traveled among fine wine collectors and gradually gained a reputation among this rarified crowd for having an impeccable palate.  After he earned people’s respect and even admiration, he tricked collectors out of millions of dollars by selling them cheap fakes of famous French châteaux wines.

MOM’S FAKE RISOTTO

While granted Rudy’s ruse was premeditated and illegal, my mother’s “faking it” with food was purely innocent. She merely wanted a shortcut to save time.  Helen used to make risotto in two minutes flat, about the time it took to re-heat leftover Uncle Ben’s rice with some spaghetti sauce tossed in.  My sister and I loved our mother’s risotto.  But, imagine my surprise when I went to Italy and ate the real deal. My mother’s version was quick and delicious but hardly authentic.

The same thing happened to former President of Les Dames d’Escoffier International, Haley Mathes, a top food consultant who lives in Hawaii.  When Hayley was growing up on a farm in Kansas, she told me her mother “used to substitute milk with the addition of vinegar for buttermilk and use cottage cheese for ricotta in lasagna.” They simply did not have local access to these two ingredients. Out of necessity, her mother had to fake it or find alternative solutions in her cooking.  Haley continued “For spaghetti with sauce, my Mom used her garden raised/home-canned tomatoes over the spaghetti. Nothing else.  It was not until later when eating at my best friend’s house, I realized it was not how everyone enjoyed spaghetti with sauce.”

HOW TO DETECT A REAL PEARL

Mixing fake with real can present another set of challenges. Marguerite Thomas recounted her dilemma. “I own three fairly long strands of pearls, one genuine which belonged to my mother, the other two fake. The problem is I don’t know which one is real. I’ve tried the tooth test (the real pearls are supposed to feel different if you gently bite them) but honestly, they all feel the same to me. I probably will have to seek out expert opinion one of these days so that I can get rid of the fakes and wear the real pearls more. This is assuming we ever get to leave our self-imposed imprisonment someday…”

FAKING IT AS A SURVIVAL TECHNIQUE

So, when we are eventually allowed to resume a more normal existence, I look forward to a complete head-to-toe make-over and to faking what Mother Nature has done to my body during this prolonged New York Pause. Cost be damned as I plan to schedule my colorist, get a facial, and enjoy a luxuriating mani-pedi and back massage. And, to continue my trickery, I’ll pay a fortune for a few injections of “lift’ in the hopes of minimizing the past three months of stress on my face.

As we continue to face the unknown in the midst of this pandemic, it is healthy to project better days ahead. As for the question of differentiating “Fake versus Real” and whether it presents a real moral/ethical delimma, you be the judge.  But, short of doing something illegal, “faking it” is fine by me. Especially if it works, goes undetected and makes you feel better!